a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
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A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Happy weekend !
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one