A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
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Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.