A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
You Might Also Like
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.