A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
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Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
crochet youtube is brutal
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
Is this a threat?
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.