A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
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Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.