A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!

Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.

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I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.


ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?


date: I wrote a book on lions

me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?


Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it


{Police Job Interview}

Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.

Recruit: Why kill a kitten?

Captain: You’re hired.


Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.


I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…


🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way