A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
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ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best