A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
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valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more