A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
You Might Also Like
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.