A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
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Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*