a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
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ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?