A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
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Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party