A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
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Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
This is a whole mood;
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name