A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
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The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
<—- homeless romantic
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there