A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
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Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.