A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
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ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
The options really are this bad
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job