A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
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me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*