A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
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I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies