A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
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[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.