Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.

I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.

Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.

“I’ll just use bug spray”

Mosquitos in the Midwest

I need the people to know that olympic silver medalist giorgia villa is sponsored by parmesan cheese and regularly posts pics of herself with giant wheels of cheese

If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket

y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?

This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!

in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle

Michelangelo: Why are you naked?

Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?

Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!

I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that

This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.

Growing old is a process of saying “it’s probably nothing,” with increasing frequency and increasingly being wrong.

Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.

Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…

Chaffing.

That’s all I’m saying…

Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?

TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it

I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.

Me: Doc, I hurt my back.

Dr: What happened?

Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…

Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???

God: you’re very small.

Ant: ok.

God: but really strong.

Ant: how strong?

God: you can-

Ant: can I lift a piano?

God: well-no.

Ant: can I lift a car?

God: no.

Ant: can I lift a-

God: you can lift a leaf.

Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.

On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.

I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.

Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!

Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you

Me: He’s murdered 7 people

I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.

Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.

[hours after first date]

HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.

*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*

“Gotta wake up early”

*sets alarm for 5am*

*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*

*goes back to sleep*

I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.

My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.