A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
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If you want my opinion ask my wife
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
That eye roll….
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT