Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”

That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.

“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it

Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.

I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…

I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause

Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…

I don’t eat some foods.

-vagueans

People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.

Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”

7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”

Me: “Yes.”

[4 minutes later]

7yo: “What about pants?”

“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*

I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end

Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.

Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?

Mom: 27

Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?

BLEACH I MIGHT BE

A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.

Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*

Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*

I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.

My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.

What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?

Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”

when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”

Roses are red
Violets are blue

My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.

[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR

My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.

A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere

The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.

*first day as a coach*

Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!

Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before

I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing

Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.