a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
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If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
that colleague who touches your screen
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.