@English_Channel

a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip

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@Angibangie

Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.

@GlennyRodge

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: This one?

ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

@noog

*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”

@mattZillaaaa

Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship

@sween

I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.

@djdarrellripley

Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.

Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.

@citizenkawala

Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.

@Sophie2078

If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.