a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip

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Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.


MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: This one?

ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?


*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”


Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship


I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.


Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.

Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.


Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.


If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.