Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.

Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes

It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.

Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.

Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.

12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie

Welcome to adulthood.

Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.

*waits to answer so he misses me*

(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough

I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.

This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10

NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…

…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.

And then Satan said “water down the gravy”

*extends arm for handshake*

Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you

Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind

Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU

[alternative timeline]

Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school

Hitler: [clenches fists]

Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist

The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?

I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.

it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing

What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”

I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “

I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.

Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs

6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?

Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow

Him: (opens mouth to speak)

Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.

Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!

Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy

My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.

Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee

People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.

I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.

The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.

lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥

*Looking to buy a house*

ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.

REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…

ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?

Discuss

Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?

Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.

Kylo:

Leia:

Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?