A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
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[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
What about second breakfast?
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.