A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
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Thinking about Jeff
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls