A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
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[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
Livid.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf