A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
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Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.