A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
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My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.