A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
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The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
two people or more is called a problem
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
and this one
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
christening a ship with an overripe banana