A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
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Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent