A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
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Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
🤣🤣💀
So true for me
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
This is a sub tweet
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.