A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
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I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Why soy sad?
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.