A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
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I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera