a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
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my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.