A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
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Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.