[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
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My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’