A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
You Might Also Like
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”