A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage

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Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.

Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*


My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.

I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.


“I’d hit that”

-old people who drive


According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.


*waits for a sign*

*dead bird falls from sky*

*waits for another, better sign*


My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.


I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.


Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.


Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.