A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
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me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too