A termite walks into a tavern and asks, ‘Is the bar tender here?’
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My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
marvel comics have peaked
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Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
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I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
Someone just called me a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
My daughter keeps ending up with glitter all over her face and she doesn’t know where its coming from. I keep asking her if she’s turned into a vampire and she doesn’t understand and it’s giving me life 😂
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı