A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
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If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?