A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
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“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
the last thing a carrot sees
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?