A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
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peeping toms
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
Drilling for oil is well boring.
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and finish the argument like an adult
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
Two sheep walk into a baaaaa.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”