Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”

I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…

Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”

So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.

1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.

i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips

“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”

‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’

Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.

Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?

*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”

Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.

The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.

me: it’s okay in my book

5: what book? can I see the book?

me: it’s hypothetical

5: what’s hypothetical mean?

me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…

I miss this era type of pranks😭

Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41m

Groundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days

if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.

Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit

At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.

Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful

Me: I have a toothache.

WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.

[inventing the boomerang]

OH SHIT, IT’S BACK

I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.

[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work

When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.

I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.

My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…

They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.

Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first