A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
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Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
kevin is now a local weatherman
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
WTF IS THAT!
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂