@WilliamAder

A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.

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@Be___Dope

[ Playing with Ouija board ]

Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.

@JoParkerBear

I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.

@krisv_723

*Pops up out of your shower drain.

You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.

@LoShearing

Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades

Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this

@Parkerlawyer

*signing divorce papers*

Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*

@sixfootcandy

Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.

@DomesticGoddss

If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?

@WheelTod

Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”

@Bob_Janke

The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything

@IamEnidColeslaw

cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil