A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
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When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower