a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
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imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
me and my fake scenarios