A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
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Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
A dad and his duck
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
The Wolf of Wall Street.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel