*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
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Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
I have obtained a hat
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
My work here is done
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.