A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
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It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
Noah was an idiot.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.