A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
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My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.