A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
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Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
Can’t stop laughing
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)