a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
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I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.