A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
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Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”