A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.

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I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.


Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.


Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”


My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”


I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.


I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.


CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]


Person: How do you go to the bathroom?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.


Party Tip:

At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.


Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”