A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.

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The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.


whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes


He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry


I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.

And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.


Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.


I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”


I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.


And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.


i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha