a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
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the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
When can I start eating bats again.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
Mountain Goat : )
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo