@dreamthievin

A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox

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@coketruck76

Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW

@PaulyPeligroso

A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.

@TheCatWhisprer

They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.

@doktorj

*lies down on waxing table

Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.

@YoungNobler

They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”

@ihyjuju

i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited

@LizerReal

thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”

Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.

@extremely_wet

remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot